gone and missing...

Dad has been in my dreams for many nights now. He is how I remember him before he got sick, and at the end as he was getting better. Gregarious, funny, silly, goofy, determined, calm. Looking back through the many pictures of my dad you will notice one thing...he is always smiling. Not a cheesy 'for the camera' smile, but a genuine 'I'm happy' smile. The one you can't fake. Even in his childhood photos he is smiling, and from what little I've heard, he didn't have a lot to smile about as a kid. Through his sickness, he smiled, albeit weary at times. I am glad that he visits me this way.

One can never predict how much they will miss someone. We all imagine it at one time or another, but nothing can truly prepare you for it. Dad drifted away from us for a while after mom died, and I have to admit that in our collective confusion over her sudden death, we were all too busy missing her to miss each other. I know my dad felt lost without her, as much as he tried to tell us he now felt free to be the man he wanted - a church-going, motorcycle riding, beard growing, cigarette smoking hellion; I guess.

She never wanted to go to church, although she insisted on us kids being baptized Protestant and going through confirmation. She worried over him riding a motorcycle, so he gave it up after an accident when Scott was young. She hated his beard when he grew it ala Grizzly Adams style in the 70's, and as far as the smoking, he was supposed to have quit along with her when grandma died.

One can understand his rebellion, in a way. Even the best marriages can build resentment over time for the sacrifices and choices made in the name of the family and the marriage. But it was the manner of his swift and decisive rebellion that I found hurtful and confusing. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't mom's control he resented, it was her departure.