dreams

Dreams really do tell us things we don't want to admit when we're awake.

Although I thought I'd forgiven myself for not being there the weekend Dad went into the hospital and ultimately died, I realize that I haven't really gotten over it. Disappointing him and myself for not being there to hold his hand. There is a side of me that knows he wouldn't want all the fuss, that he forgives me for not being there. It's forgiving myself that is the problem.

Some dreams feel so real that when you wake up you are relieved to realize that it was in fact, just a dream. Dreams also have a funny way of mixing real life in, just enough to make you think it's really happening. My dream tricked me last night. A nightmare of sorts.

I dreamt of my dad the way he was in the weeks just before he died. He looked the same to me, he was feeling better and getting back to his old self. In my dream he was still here, and I truly believed it. I remember feeling like I was missing him, and wondered why I hadn't visited with him in a while. As my dream life was pondering his absence, I remember being relieved that I still had lots of time. I still had time to spend with him! He was sick, but hadn't died yet. Except reality was fighting with wishful thinking, and as my unconscious mind processed the truth quickly creeping in, I woke up to the awful reality - time had already run out.